Very little sleep

So the answer to my last question was no. I didn't sleep well last night. Neither did he. I checked on him around 3:30 and he was up.

We talked for a long time last night. A very long time. We talked about the unmatched brotherhood the SEALs share. We talked about the media and what really happened vs. what was reported to the public. We talked about the incident itself and how huge a blow this is to the SEAL community; both the west and east coast folks. We talked about his frustration that he wasn't able to be there because of his injury. We talked about how he would have gladly given his life to save the lives of the men who perished. We ran down the list of who it could possibly be. There are at least 6 who were good friends and a few were at our wedding. A few of these men were guests in my home at one point or another.

We talked about what he needs to do to work through this and what I can do to help him.

You know what's interesting about these guys? When presented with a fire, they will run towards it rather then turn and retreat or avert their eyes. The bigger the fire, the faster they run right into the heart of it. That's why I love them so.

If one guy in particular is gone, we will name the baby after him. That's how big this is.

The names will be released today. I'm not looking forward to the phone call.

We've been through worse before. We'll be just fine on the other end of this particular tunnel. We're going to keep busy and keep communicating.

The only way out is through.

12

Twelve gone.

Four on the ground. Eight in the sky.

Twelve.

Many more are lost all over the world.

I fear I'm loosing one more at home.

I've never seen him so upset.

Upset doesn't even begin to touch it.

At least he's sleeping now.

I wonder if I will.

Pffffftttt...

Yucky day yucky day. Ramble ramble ramble. Whine whine whine.

Today is just one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong no matter what I do. Grasping at straws, things slipping through my fingers, between a rock and a hard place and all of that cliché stuff.

Heartburn. Why? Ouch. I have never had heartburn before. Today it is here with a vengeance. It just makes things that much more difficult. Water - drink more water. The damn water thing at work is broken and I can't get more water here. Aquafina was supposed to come by today and replace the cooler thingy. They have yet to show up. Already been out to lunch and got Tums, but no water. I'm leaving work early, dammit.

I have had to tell several clients 'no' today on various things ranging from special chair heights to legal aisle widths and 120 degree angles. This all sounds trivial, but in my world these things are huge. I'm dreading the phone calls back. Guh.

I also feel very misunderstood. The more I try to explain things, the deeper the hole I dig. The yap is now officially closed. Done. When should I stop caring? Dunno. I guess it depends on the situation.

I hate it when people talk talk talk talk and never listen. They are thinking of the next thing they want to say while somebody else is talking and they don't listen. Then they end up asking questions about what you just explained. Well dammit if you were listening to me, you wouldn't have to ask questions about what I've already told you and you wouldn't be wasting my time!

And what the hell is Cream of Tartar anyway?

6th Month - Observances

Just a few things I've noticed that people never tell you about in books.

- Once your belly gets bigger, you cannot see your hoo-ha to shave or whatnot. I am not comfortable wielding a razor down in the nether-regions without a clear view - the waxing appointment is set up for this Friday. Thank goodness. There will be no untamed jungle down there if there is ANY chance of it ending up on videotape somewhere. Hey - I gotta set some limits on this thing.

- You can actually get away with burping or farting in public. Tee hee.

- Some days my hands are too swollen to wear my wedding rings. I actually have had folks look at my belly, check my hands for rings, and then give me sad looks when they don't see one there. Nice.

- Coffee shops. Even if I order DECAF! coffee - I get stares and dirty looks from people. Not all the time, just every once and a while.

- I have been offered extra pickles by my local favorite sandwich shop on more than one occasion. How sweet of them!

- Cravings. At one point last week I was very very close to booking a plane ticket and getting a rental car just to go eat at Pat's in Philly. No lie. And then go get another cheesesteak at Geno's across the street.

- Preggo Brain. It is real. It lives. I'm stupid now. I know it takes a lot of energy to make another human, but I really think it beneficial not to be stupid along with the bloated and clumsy thing.

- Parking spots. Way too small. I have so many dirty car smears across my shirts at belly-button level from trying to maneuver between cars. And it's only going to get worse.

- I need to get one of those Tide Stain Removal things. I never had boobs before and I have always been thin. Wayward food crumbs and drips now land on my shirt with no hope of ever making it to the useless napkin I have on my disappearing lap.

- Speaking of boobs. Holy cow. Where did these come from? Something I never thought would come out of my mouth - ever: "Hold on a sec honey - my boobs are in the way."

- Every time the little man squirms around it makes me smile no matter how uncomfortable it is. I think there is an octopus in there. That didn't come from my side of the family. LOL.

Baby Shopping

God bless my mother. She went shopping with me yesterday. And when I say shopping - it was not really the fun browsey kind. It was the exhausting, decision-making, burn-a-hole-in-your-purse kind of shopping. Between the two of us we spent about $1,900.00.

Purchases included: A crib, a dresser/changing table combo, a crib mattress, a Pack'N'Play, a stroller and a few things that I didn't want to chance not getting at this ridiculously huge shower mom and my best friend are throwing. We also registered for an insane amount of baby paraphernalia that may or may not be important once the kidlet arrives. Who knows? I'll find out in about 109 days.

It blows my mind how much stuff there is out there. It surprises me how the hell any of us "Gen X-ers" made it out of our childhoods alive without baby wipe warmers. Good Lord.

OK. Gotta tell you about this thing. The Pack'N'Play. I bought it because I wanted the navy blue one (that's the designer in me speaking) and you can't find it anywhere. It has an attachment on it that plays nature sounds, womb sounds and the darn thing vibrates. Yes - that's right - vibrates. It has a place for diapers, wipes, and lotions. There is a built-in changing table and it can double as a bassinet. It has a canopy on it with little stuffed teddy bears dangling precariously from it - attached with Velcro - so they aren't a choking hazard. This is something that is a "must-have" on the lists in all the books. Get one of these or your kid will parish of boredom. I didn't have one of these. I had a playpen made of pinchy wood with a hard particleboard floor. There is no doubt in my mind that my playpen was NOT finished with a water-based varnish. I'll bet ya it even had lead in it and I gnawed on it with two-teethed gusto. This new gizmo is all cushy with no sharp edges on it and has been approved by who knows how many safety boards.

Well... my kid has one.

God bless Graco. And one more time for my mother, please. She deserves it.

Meltdown #1

1st real Preggo story.

Here goes...

Last Wednesday I had a lousy day. About every two weeks I get so darn tired I can't stand to be around myself. I can predict it with the greatest accuracy. I feel like a 5 year old who has not had their nap in about three days. Little things that I would usually pay no mind to look like elephants that have been all wrapped up for me with pretty red ribons.

The work day was exhausting. Nothing but mean folks all day. Rick was a rotten mood when I got home (for good reason, but that's a whole other story). I tried to spare the world from myself and sleep only to have a car alarm go off for about 10 minutes, a fire alarm go off and Rick's cell phone ringing non-stop. Angry Preggo lady = turn your damn ringer off you lazy ass.

The tears started. They would not stop. Rick does not understand this. He does not have to, but he needs to keep his yap shut. Anyway - he made some rediculous comment to me and I just exploded. I was so upset - over what I really can't remember. I calmed myself down by going for a walk at about 9:30. I was willing to let the whole thing go by the time I got back into the house.

I walked in the door. Rick: "Where were you?" Me: "Thinking." Rick: "About what?" Me: "Stuff." I walked into the bedroom and closed the door. About a half and hour later, Rick could not let me have the last word. I didn't even know I had had the last word. Good gravy it starts up all over again.

He thinks I'm mad at him and that just fries him. Im not mad at him. I'm frustrated with me. But if he would take the time to listen to what I had to say he would realize this. He was not in a listening mood that day. Well - he finally does listen, but the tears still do not stop. The are still there in about 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Yep - still there. It's unreal. 10 minutes after that? Still there.

And then I get hungry. It's 11:30 at night and I get hungry.

Now let me describe pregnant hunger to you: It's a "If you don't feed me now, I swear I'm going to eat your face off" kind of hunger. It's like that with thirst too. It is an all consuming feeling that you cannot brush aside. You cannot ignore it. And this happens every 2 to 3 hours. EVERY 2 to 3 hours.

Cereal. I want a bowl of cereal. I go to get my bowl of cereal. As I am making my cereal I'm in the kitchen in hysterics because I'm hungry ALL THE TIME! I HATE being hungry all the time. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm hormonal. I'm crying again. I think I actually stomped my feet.

Keep in mind that I have been crying nearly non-stop for the past two hours. This in and of itself is frustrating. More tears. I want to stop but can't.

Lesson learned: One cannot eat a bowl of cereal, or anything else for that matter, if their nose is so stopped up with snot from crying. This poses a choking hazard.

So here I am in all of my 6-month preggo glowing glory, sitting on the kitchen floor, crying, choking on snot over a bowl of cereal, tears streaming down my face and into the bowl. What I sight I am.

I can definately see the humor in this picture. I'm a grown woman of 32 years acting like a 5 year old with no naps. Complete temper tantrum. A moment of weakness in a life of consistency and stability. I am human, after all. Hopefully I can head this off at the pass when this next two week cycle rolls around. That should be about July 6th or so. We'll see.

The Real Hero

This has been something that has been on my mind for some time.

I'm absolutely disgusted by how much attention Americans give to Hollywood. Wow.

Access Hollywood, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight. Hell - there's a whole damn network dedicated to our darling Hollywood "elite". Ha!

How is it that reciting lines and getting paid more money than 99.9% of hard working people could ever imagine is something that should be idolized?

And then the stories that receive all the press. Tom and Katie (very wierd and who really cares), Jen and Ben, the ever-popular "Bennifer", Jen and that skinny dude, Jen and Brad, Brad and Angelina, Britney and Kevin, Jessica and that poor guy from Cincinnatti who looks like he was dragged into this, Courtney Love, Michael Jackson, Kobe Bryant, Paula Abdul, Ashton and Demi, the list goes on. From scandalous relationships to babies (who the hell else is pregnant now?? Just look at the cover of all those silly magazines in the grocery check out line), drunk driving to phone throwing incidents. Rape trials, molestation trials, murder trials, problems with drugs.

I'm sorry, but I'm quite tired of all of this.

Back in the day when Hollywood meant something with leading ladies like Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn, Ginger Rodgers, my goodness Audrey Hepburn - that's when it was good. Now? Not so much.

My point?

There are so many every-day folks who are the real heroes. They never get a second of press. Ever. From those mothers who have made difficult choices and scarifices of themselves to make better lives for their children, to people who work overtime to put food on the table or have their kids in decent and safe schools. Nurses, teachers, fire fighters - all professions where budgets are getting cut left and right but still they plod on for the love of the job. Small business owners. People taking a chance on themselves and moving 3,000 miles away just to see what is next. People who can keep plants alive for more than a week. (They are heros in my book!) People who drag themselves up from adverse circumstances and turn their lives around for the better, kicking addictions, bad realtionships, homelessness, helplessness. Those brave men and women who have been sent into war for their country - those who make it home and those who did not. That person in the cubical next to you at work who is a joy to be around even on their worst day. Best friends who are there for you when you fall. The retail gal who actually takes the time to help you find what you are looking for (because they LOVE their job) in their store instead of gossiping on the phone behind the desk. There are so many more I can think of.

And I guarantee you not a one would consider themselves a hero.

Well... they are to me.

Small things

Why why why!

Things that bug:

- When ladies make a mess in the bathroom. When they don't make sure everything went down the toilet, or left water everywhere - on the sink, the floor, whathaveyou, or peed on the seat and didn't clean it up. *shudder*
- Hair in drains.
- Open cabinet doors and drawers.
- People who leave messes in the microwave or on countertops. I find it hard to believe that you didn't notice that your clam chowder exploded all over the place. Clean it up.
- When folks empty out the water jug at work and don't change it out for a full one. They leave it for the next person to do.
- When people change lanes without looking or signaling.
- Walmart.
- That it's not OK to eat sushi when preggo, but it's OK to eat McDonalds. Whatever.
- Strangers touching my belly without asking first. WTF?
- Nosey folks who feel the need to poke their way into your business and then turn it upside down. Bastard. I really do not enjoy your presence. At all. Stay away.
- When people cut down healthy trees to make way for nothing.
- Jack Johnson. How is it that nearly everything he does sounds the same?
- Strangers who feel the need to tell me about their 4th degree episiotomy - in detail.
- Unexpected deaths of bright angels.


Things that make me smile! Yea!

- That shiny golden moment just before the sun goes down.
- Spicy tuna handrolls. I miss you.
- Running.
- The sounds Rick makes when he's waking up in the morning.
- Getting phone calls and e-mails from friends.
- Chocolate cake.
- When the boys come home from Iraq unharmed.
- The mountains.
- Cello music.
- Radio Paradise and all the friends I have made there. You are all awesome!
- Having a good budy at work to roll eyes with.
- When the little tyke kicks. Even if he's having a kick-boxing class with my bladder.
- Watching Rick's face when he feels him in the midst of his kick-boxing classes.
- How much my brother has grown up.
- Watching my dream life unfold before me. Holy crap, it's happening. Go go go go go...
- My Volvo.
- That spot in the Cleveland Metroparks. Dad's there.
- Pineapple.
- Pizza form Dominic's in Rocky River. Sausage, pepperoni and mushroom. And a cheap beer.
- Lilacs. I know you're there...
- Finding decent maternity clothes that actually fit and make me look cute.
- Getting phone calls from Rick.
- Finding just the right pair of sandals.
- Turning OFF my alarm clock.
- Night time walks.
- Autumn and winter.

Digging up the Past

Back in January, I made contact with an old boyfriend. One of those people that will always have a piece of your heart no matter what happens. I sent an e-mail thinking there was NO WAY he would respond to me. Well... he did.

At that point in my life I was a wreck for several reasons. There was a bumpy patch with my darling hubby Rick, we were trying to get pregnant and were well on the way to artificial insemination and possibly IVF. We had been trying for about three years with no success. I was having a rough time at work with nasty folks, and I was really depressed about my pops who died 11 years ago. I felt amazingly alone, treading water that was beginning to get rougher and rougher. I was ready to bolt into any door that opened that had a light behind it. On a whim I looked at Classmates.com and lo and behold there he was. No way. Off went my e-mail.

This man, (henceforth known as 'E') meant more to me than anything. He was a philosophy major with an incredibly sharp mind. He was my balance, my life, my love. There had been the puppy stuff before him, but nothing like him when there was him.

I broke. The dam gushed forth and I spilled my shit everywhere. I wanted to run back to what we had. The innocence of a college freshman with no responsiblity, no expectations of the real world, nothing but time to just be. I was crying for days over this. Rick will never know. E had been in Californa for several years and was in the process of moving back to Ohio. He had a girlfriend, oddly enough, with my name. OK. I think he was really caught off guard as well. I caught him just as he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend. I still don't know if he did. I hope he did.

Anyway - I healed from my turmoil. E and I went our separate ways with some of our shit resolved from the past and a rememberence of why we parted ways back then. It felt good to close that chapter in my life. I really didn't think much about him - only from time to time - once on his birthday and also to wonder if his trip back to Ohio went well.

My crying jags and hysterics were all for good reason, though. I found out I was pregnant, and would have been when I was e-mailing with E. No wonder I was a ball of angry hormones. I never told E about the baby. He had requested not to converse anymore before I found out. I figured I would let it alone.

Flash forward 6 months.

This past Monday. An e-mail. From E. In my in-box. Just checking in.

I return it. I tell him. He has yet to respond. Interesting. Not quite sure what to think about that. Not sure if I should think anything. But I can't help but be curious. I'll let it go.

Here we go... again.

I need to do this, I have to do this, I want to do this.

I have started a blog four times and forgotten about it. This will be the 5th. Maybe the 6th.

I figured now would be a great time to do this as I'm "in the family way". Even if it's just a small little bit a day, I need to do this! I have so much I need to spill and get out of my system.

That, and I'm sure folks would love to read all of my silly little stories about the whole preggo thingy.

Works for me.