Digging up the Past
Back in January, I made contact with an old boyfriend. One of those people that will always have a piece of your heart no matter what happens. I sent an e-mail thinking there was NO WAY he would respond to me. Well... he did.
At that point in my life I was a wreck for several reasons. There was a bumpy patch with my darling hubby Rick, we were trying to get pregnant and were well on the way to artificial insemination and possibly IVF. We had been trying for about three years with no success. I was having a rough time at work with nasty folks, and I was really depressed about my pops who died 11 years ago. I felt amazingly alone, treading water that was beginning to get rougher and rougher. I was ready to bolt into any door that opened that had a light behind it. On a whim I looked at Classmates.com and lo and behold there he was. No way. Off went my e-mail.
This man, (henceforth known as 'E') meant more to me than anything. He was a philosophy major with an incredibly sharp mind. He was my balance, my life, my love. There had been the puppy stuff before him, but nothing like him when there was him.
I broke. The dam gushed forth and I spilled my shit everywhere. I wanted to run back to what we had. The innocence of a college freshman with no responsiblity, no expectations of the real world, nothing but time to just be. I was crying for days over this. Rick will never know. E had been in Californa for several years and was in the process of moving back to Ohio. He had a girlfriend, oddly enough, with my name. OK. I think he was really caught off guard as well. I caught him just as he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend. I still don't know if he did. I hope he did.
Anyway - I healed from my turmoil. E and I went our separate ways with some of our shit resolved from the past and a rememberence of why we parted ways back then. It felt good to close that chapter in my life. I really didn't think much about him - only from time to time - once on his birthday and also to wonder if his trip back to Ohio went well.
My crying jags and hysterics were all for good reason, though. I found out I was pregnant, and would have been when I was e-mailing with E. No wonder I was a ball of angry hormones. I never told E about the baby. He had requested not to converse anymore before I found out. I figured I would let it alone.
Flash forward 6 months.
This past Monday. An e-mail. From E. In my in-box. Just checking in.
I return it. I tell him. He has yet to respond. Interesting. Not quite sure what to think about that. Not sure if I should think anything. But I can't help but be curious. I'll let it go.
At that point in my life I was a wreck for several reasons. There was a bumpy patch with my darling hubby Rick, we were trying to get pregnant and were well on the way to artificial insemination and possibly IVF. We had been trying for about three years with no success. I was having a rough time at work with nasty folks, and I was really depressed about my pops who died 11 years ago. I felt amazingly alone, treading water that was beginning to get rougher and rougher. I was ready to bolt into any door that opened that had a light behind it. On a whim I looked at Classmates.com and lo and behold there he was. No way. Off went my e-mail.
This man, (henceforth known as 'E') meant more to me than anything. He was a philosophy major with an incredibly sharp mind. He was my balance, my life, my love. There had been the puppy stuff before him, but nothing like him when there was him.
I broke. The dam gushed forth and I spilled my shit everywhere. I wanted to run back to what we had. The innocence of a college freshman with no responsiblity, no expectations of the real world, nothing but time to just be. I was crying for days over this. Rick will never know. E had been in Californa for several years and was in the process of moving back to Ohio. He had a girlfriend, oddly enough, with my name. OK. I think he was really caught off guard as well. I caught him just as he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend. I still don't know if he did. I hope he did.
Anyway - I healed from my turmoil. E and I went our separate ways with some of our shit resolved from the past and a rememberence of why we parted ways back then. It felt good to close that chapter in my life. I really didn't think much about him - only from time to time - once on his birthday and also to wonder if his trip back to Ohio went well.
My crying jags and hysterics were all for good reason, though. I found out I was pregnant, and would have been when I was e-mailing with E. No wonder I was a ball of angry hormones. I never told E about the baby. He had requested not to converse anymore before I found out. I figured I would let it alone.
Flash forward 6 months.
This past Monday. An e-mail. From E. In my in-box. Just checking in.
I return it. I tell him. He has yet to respond. Interesting. Not quite sure what to think about that. Not sure if I should think anything. But I can't help but be curious. I'll let it go.
posted by Mama Moon | 11:13 AM
2 Comments:
I know how you feel.
I have someone from my past who will always be there, somehow.
He is not a threat to my new love. He is just a part of me from way back when. The only one who mattered. He lives his own life now, with his wife and baby girl. We touch base about twice a year. Or maybe less. It's hard to say.
E was never gonna propose!! She's 23 for god;s sake!!!
:P
Post a Comment
<< Home